I have been going back to the memories of my childhood for a very long time now , each time with some sort of guilt and blame for my parents ,for not giving me and my siblings, what every child should get .
I have been focusing on the lack of things so much ,that I have not recognised things which they actually gave us . Things which can’t be bought or forgotten. Yet somehow I focused only what we didn’t get … having my son made me think a lot of what parent i sure don’t want to be ,it’s challenging of course, our children are humans and learn different things at different stages , and we adults sometimes lose patience with our own child . At the beginning of the motherhood, I have put myself on a mission of “he will get everything i didn’t have,no matter what” and I can say that i have accomplished that , now however, he is 9 year old boy ,who has everything and thankfully for him and me ,I’m different person and see life from a totally different perspective . I want him to know his worth , I want him to feel loved , I encourage him everyday do do new things and to be kind . Before my focus was mainly on “things ” ,of course I did other things as well but the idea of having it all was a priority.
Now I put the most of my time with him of giving love and making sure he is feeling safe and appreciated by me . I teach him about the world and I show him different perspectives of things which are happening around us . I want him to know that, he can do anything he want in his life and be whoever he want to be , the only thing he need to remember is to be a good person ,because everything return to the sender ,whether we like it or not .
At this point I understood that my mom was doing exactly the same for me , maybe not to the same extent, but she had 7 of us altogether, so of course I wasn’t centre of the world ,but she did what she could for every single one of us ,in a specific way for each of her child.
I remember the library was my second home , there was a point I had nothing to read because I read everything what was there ,then my mom started to bring some books about psychology , she borrowed then from her friend and gave to me . It’s crazy because I thought my mom always loved to read ,and it turns out she actually never read a lot in her life .
Now I see that she did what she could to make sure i can do what i love the most . And I’m truly grateful for that to her ❤ I’m still in some sense ashamed for not seeing it earlier ,but I guess we all have our own time ,time when understanding hits us unexpectedly.
Small thing like that had changed the whole view on my childhood. They gave us all they could and they loved us the way they received love themselves from their parent. There is no one to blame . Sometimes seeing things from different perspective ,can really changes someone’s life. It has changed mine .
So much love ❤